I do not think anyone needs me to summarize for them why life has been so difficult this past week, month, year. Everyone I have talked to is feeling the pain, uncertainty, and sadness. There is a lot of sadness in our lives right now. I am trying to figure out how to move forward. What are we doing here, if everyone is sad, confused, frustrated? From my perspective, it is easy to get to a position of hopelessness. Humans have figured out how to destroy our planet in a battle for power, control, status… what is it exactly? How do we get here? How do we change the story? I don’t know.
I think a lot about our biology as humans. We are not so different than the other mammals on this planet, yet we are so very different. I think about how that is all random chance; chaotic random chance that took SO LONG to develop. Then I think about for what we humans developed. I believe we have way surpassed our biological evolution. More specifically, I worry about how little movement I get in comparison to my ancestors, how much time I spend alone, how much time I spend in front of a screen (did you know that even when we think we are relaxing by watching television or flipping through social media, our brains process that as work?), and I think a lot about how much access to information we have.
There is a lot of pain in the world. There has always been pain and suffering, sickness and death, natural disaster, and evil between man-kind. The difference is that we can now learn about all of it. I know I am not making any ground breaking discoveries, here, but this is what I have been thinking about. Before computers, television, easy transportation, before we had a sense of the world, our basis of knowledge of suffering was much smaller. I believe we have not evolved to handle this much pain.
I am highly empathetic, so I feel other peoples’ pain as my own. That is not to say that I can always understand, relate to, or comprehend what others are experiencing, but I do feel the pain. If I open myself up to paying attention to the world around me, I am flooded by grief.
One option is to turn it off. I could turn inward. I sometimes wish I could take this option. The biological part of me that needs to survive wants to pick this option. However, this is where biology butts up against ethics. What we have evolved to handle is almost irrelevant in our modern world. It is my civic duty to pay attention. As an empath, I would be denying part of who I am if I stopped caring.
So how do I approach this dichotomy? How do I live in both spaces? How can I honor my biological needs for rest and joy while honoring my needs as a member of this human race to improve the world for others?
I don’t know what that’s going to look like.
Earlier this week I had a meltdown. (Truthfully I had several meltdowns this week, but I will talk about one in particular.)
I got home from work and sat down after dinner to finish some postcards to encourage voters in Kentucky. While I was finishing up I turned on a press conference by Governor Brown and a few state officials who were talking about the progress with the fires in Oregon. In the middle of watching that optimistic, yet grim conference I got devastating news about a loved one.
Then I decided I wanted to go for a walk (my body and mind require daily movement), but the walk was just in my building’s hallways because the air quality index was off the charts and I could not go outside. While walking I listened to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts. The interview was largely optimistic, but talked about a childhood of sexual abuse and a prison system that was designed to keep people coming back. This was all too much. It is actually almost too much to write about right now. My shoulders and jaw are getting tense, my eyes are starting to gloss, and I keep needing to take big breaths.
I felt alone, frustrated, sad, lost, and was inching toward defeat. The emotions overwhelmed me, so I texted a friend who I knew would understand. I needed to tether myself.
This is what I finally came to: I do not know why we are here, but I am worthless if I do not take care of myself. While I cannot choose to ignore the world I live in, I also cannot choose to ignore the body I live in.
I am still figuring out how I will help. The problems all feel urgent and I feel like I don’t have access to the resources to provide immediate support. I need to give myself time and permission to do one small thing after another. I likely have many more years to fight, but not if I ignore my own needs.
Gretchen Rubin often talks about the criticism she gets for focusing on personal happiness, but happier people are more productive, more generous, and more able to spread happiness.
I want to be in this for the long haul. So while I don’t know what that’s going to look like, I cannot give in to the defeat now.
I hope if you are also feeling frustrated, lost, or dejected you will take time to recognize your biological needs. Recognize that if everyone does one small thing after another, we are doing big things together. (Did this just turn into an unintentional campaign speech?)
Once again I end a blog post with a big fat question mark. I have no idea what to expect in the coming days, weeks, months, or years. Nor do I know exactly what my action will look like. I am sure I will continue to struggle with this dichotomy, but I am not throwing in the towel.