Everything That Matters

In a lifetime that feels long ago, but also present, I listened to a life-changing book. I followed that author from book to podcast and back and forth again. Now she shows up in my email on a semi-regular basis.

Cheryl Strayed changed her life when she packed up and decided to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Although I read and appreciated her book recounting that journey – “Wild” – my life changed when I read “Tiny Beautiful Things.” The book is a compilation of letters people sent in seeking advice and answers from “Sugar” (Cheryl). They are deeply personal, moving, and I have to imagine incredibly helpful to the writers, for I know they are helpful as a reader. There were many things about that book and the subsequent podcast “Dear Sugars” that have stuck with me over the years. Especially in the way my assumptions were challenged. I had such strict views about familial obligation, right and wrong, go or stay, but Cheryl (and Steve Almond) taught me that life is more complicated. No rules exist for all situations. Sometimes you must let go.

When I was 23, I listened to “Tiny Beautiful Things,” read by the author. It was summertime, and I had just moved to Portland. As is often the case with audio entertainment, Cheryl’s advice was woven into my life. She was with me at work while doing laundry or dishes as the toddler napped or while out walking in my neighborhood. I can so vividly picture where I was when I heard exactly what I needed to hear.

Stepping up to the side door of my building, the one that leads to the stairway on my side of the horseshoe, I held my key fob up, heard the lock unlatch, then boom, forever changed.

As I pulled open the door and started climbing the stairs, I paused to rewind and re-listen. Then quickly made note. I was arming myself with quotes for the future.

Though I do not remember the exact circumstance of the letter Sugar was responding to. I know that I was relating. The writer recounted feeling challenged to defend something about their life choices, I believe regarding education. They wanted assurance that even though it may not appear logical to the outside world, their choices had merit.

This all deeply resonated. I was about a year out of undergrad with a degree in music theory. Mind you, I adored my education. I got to geek out on all things chord structure and progression, composition style, post-tonal theory… it was incredible! I also got my butt kicked in analytical reading and writing, took some amazing classes in other fields, and did all the important and painful growing up that happens in the college years.

But I walked away with something that didn’t make sense to people. I found myself trying to explain. Or defend. To others, often. But I also started to feel doubt. Had I made the right choice? Was this leading anywhere?

So, what did Sugar say to that writer, struggling in much the same way I was? Well, I don’t remember exactly because I edited it to fit my situation. So, what did Sugar say to me?

“That’s it! I will say that all the time!” I thought. But in reality, I don’t really get asked that question. Or if I do, I say something else. That is beside the point. The point was never to get others to understand. I needed to find peace with my choices. What others think is inconsequential; I needed to believe my journey was worthy, valid, right.

This was six years ago.

I rarely think about the specifics of that quote anymore – although I think about “Dear Sugars” and Cheryl’s impact on my life all the time! Regardless of whether I think about the quote, it has changed me. Because I also do not question that part of my journey anymore.

I have been a nanny for seven years. And although those years have not been entirely blissful, I have adored my work every single day. I love it whole heartedly. And yet, I am about to embark on another leg of my journey. Next month I begin graduate school for occupational therapy. I am terrified! And I’m excited, curious, eager, hopeful. There is some doubt, too. I cannot be certain this is the right move for my life, and I would really prefer certainty! We don’t get that though, do we?

We are all out here finding our own way. I do not feel like I have been treading water and waiting for the right thing to come along. I am in the right thing now. And there are more, different right things coming.

Music theory degree to nanny to occupational therapy school. It might defy logic, but it all matters.

I will carry it with me, as I do everything that matters.