After graduating from Whitman in 2015, I thought I would go back to school a lot sooner. Then I learned to love not being a student. I built a beautiful life that involved setting up a home for myself, jobs with wonderful people, and exploring my neighborhood and city – learning to love it. I reached the point when I didn’t know if I would ever return to school. But then, I don’t know, things changed and fell into place, and everything was pointing here. I took prerequisite classes. I told myself I didn’t have to decide, just take one step at a time, and see how it feels. It kept feeling right. Scary! But right. I also knew that this would be a life transition that would in many ways break my heart.
I did not know what to expect when returning to school. Honestly, I think I had very little idea what occupational therapy was when I applied and started school. I had no idea what my classes would be like. There was no way to know how everything would turn out, but I chose to trust the process and believe in my instincts. It felt like the right time to choose the bigger life. But holy smokes, I was scared of all the changes that were to come! I moved. I said goodbye to what had been home for over six years. This change would mean less time with the most important people in my life. I accepted more student debt, and the fact that there would be far fewer children in my life – I accepted this season of sacrifice.
I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle the academics. Except for a few prerequisite credits, I could not remember what it felt like to be a student. I hoped it wouldn’t be a hideous amount of work. As long as I did not feel like every waking moment had to be spent doing homework, I thought I could survive it. Gratefully, it has been okay. Although we have a lot of work, I feel capable of satisfactorily completing everything expected of me.
It has been interesting to compare this experience to my most recent full-time education experience. So much is different that it almost does not seem fair to compare. I moved just before starting school, but not to a new city. Once again, I am meeting so many new classmates, but we have all our classes together, and making friends has been less daunting. I made the choice to return to school, but none of my pre-grad-school friends are in the same phase in life…
One thing that has been similar but different and yet so unexpected is the emotional challenges associated with this life change. In undergrad, I was severely depressed for the middle two years. It was so challenging to adjust to the changes and expectations that I did not really adjust until my senior year. In the years that followed graduating, moving to Portland, and finding my way as a young person, I started to get to know myself and through a lot of therapy and trial and error, I developed new ways of thinking.
Over time, my confidence started to grow and allow me to express a truer version of myself. I was still afraid of everything, but I attempted to lean into my life mantra of “don’t be unnecessarily afraid” and looked for ways to “be bold.” Starting this blog three years ago was one way I faced my fears and tried to show who I am – I’ve learned that expressing the challenges, changes, and vulnerabilities in my life allows me to feel more freely me.
I thought I had it all together. I thought going into grad school that I was finally stable and would be able to ease into this life transition with grace.
So quickly I lost confidence, my anxiety returned, and I realized that the steadiness I felt was perhaps more a product of life being consistent than my own transcendence.
In the last eight months, there has been so much fear, so much anxiety, sadness verging on depression, and a considerable drop in confidence. Pushing through all of this has been incredibly challenging and I am still processing it in many ways. Maybe someday I will share more.
Reflecting back now, on two semesters completed, I know that I am coming through okay. From personal history, it is normal to waver in confidence when I am trying something new. Meeting new people and managing impressions is challenging. Although it has been my favorite part of this whole experience, meeting and working with 36 new classmates can be emotionally draining. I have all these expectations and hopes for how I present myself in this new world. Although I am afraid every day, I try to stand up for what I think is right, ask questions, and push for more. I worry that I am too intense. I worry that people do not see my intentions.
Last Thursday we completed our finals for the spring semester. We worked in small groups to plan and present a therapeutic session to another group of our peers. It was especially joyful to participate in the group that was planned for us. They had us each write our names and an adjective that began with our first initial; something positive that we felt described our occupational therapy nature. We then drew a picture for a few minutes of something that represented us.
Finally, we passed the papers around the table, and each wrote a word or phrase about what we most appreciated about our peers. All semester, we worked on projects and in class with this same group of peers. By now, we know each other well. Taking time to think about what I valued most in each of them was heartwarming. I wished I had more time to write a paragraph about each of them!
Once we were done writing for everyone else, we got to see what they wrote about us.
Organized Leader
Clear Communicator
Thoughtful
Bold
Kind
Fearless
I teared up seeing it then and am crying typing this now.
Sometimes life is really hard. We are so busy and focused that there is not a lot of time for self-reflection. I know I have been working on facing my fears and finding the balance of bold, but kind. I know these things are so important to me. But I didn’t know I was doing it. Reading these things written about me tells me that at least the people who know me well see it. And that is so gratifying.
My confidence has declined these past eight months, so to end the semester in this validating way filled my soul. Maybe I can do this. It just might be working.