The Yoga Retreat that Calmed My Mind
I went to a yoga retreat last fall during a particularly challenging time in my brain. There was very little from an outsider’s perspective that might lead people to believe that I was struggling. I could not quite put a pin in my emotional turmoil, but I was starting to feel a sense of unraveling.
I had booked the yoga retreat a month prior, purely as an indulgent gift-to-self. One of my favorite yoga instructors (also one of my favorite people of all time) was co-leading a retreat of entirely restorative and yoga nidra (bliss!). My dad was really the one that got me committed to the idea. We had discussed going together, and when he had to back out, I was already determined to go. When it came time, I realized it was not going to be purely indulgent. I needed this break.
I feel like all my life’s work had been leading to this moment. I put myself in a situation that I adored, yet a situation that pushed and pulled me in many ways. This was another life event when I thought “if child Amalia could see me now…” I was completely independent, shut off from the outside world, making friends with strangers (often while soaking nude in the hot springs), and allowing myself time to listen to my thoughts while also telling my thoughts to slow down.
All the students in the yoga workshop were given an optional homework assignment. I am not going to pretend that I remember all the Sanskrit or Hindi vocabulary associated with the homework, or the exact theory. Instead I will tell you what I remember and how it worked for me. I remember being given a list of four basic fears that most fears boil down to. Two of them resonated with me, but one was especially poignant. It is the fear of separation and abandonment. I realized as I read those words with tears starting to build up in the corners of my eyes, this was speaking to the emotional discomfort that had been building inside of me recently.
An image had been forming in my mind. I was standing in space, but instead of just two arms, I had dozens. They extended from every part of my torso, from the middle of my back to my chest, and my hips. All of the hands at the ends of my arms were reaching out for connection. Some were clinging desperately to hands I feared were slipping away. Some were relaxed with fingers intertwined. Some hands had just lost grasp of their companions. And still some hands were cozily wrapped in a pair of committed hands.
This image sounds very ego-centric. Okay. This image IS very ego-centric. But it paints a clear picture of how I had been feeling. I had been feeling worried that my connections with the loved ones in my life were dissolving. I had been feeling afraid that I could not hold on forever and eventually everyone might slip away. Although I was holding firmly to many hands, every connection felt at-risk.
Thankfully the assignment did not stop there. We were asked to develop a mantra spoken in the present tense. It was meant to assert a resolution over our fear. I chose “I am connected.” I changed the image in my mind to reflect confidence in my secure connections and a measured acceptance of bonds that have faded. The Amalia in my mind stood a bit taller with her head a bit higher. She smiled with gratitude at the friends and family members that were still near and connected. She gazed fondly at the people who were farther in the distance.
I am connected.
I left the yoga retreat feeling like all my fears and emotional turmoil had been boiled down into one fear and shaped into something I could visualize and understand. Simply being able to identify my fear gave me a sense of calmness and reassurance.
There will certainly be more times in my life when I feel worried about drifting off into metaphorical space. There will be times when I feel like I am destined to be alone. Now I have another tool in my toolbox that allows me to slow down and be realistic about the abundance of connections that I do maintain.
And when it feels too hard to get back to that place on my own, I can roll up my yoga mat and head to class. Or better yet, back to a yoga retreat.