Maybe you have read or thought about coronavirus enough and do not want to spend another five minutes hearing another person’s perspective. I understand that! I was very conflicted about whether or not I would write on this subject. However, it has really been hard to think about much else this week, and I am trying to process a lot of emotions. Mostly, I feel sad.
In Oregon we started social distancing about two weeks ago, and in that time schools have closed, events have been cancelled, state parks, national forests, beaches, docks, malls, movie theaters, climbing gyms, any place that people could gather, have been closed indefinitely.
When all of this started, I had a pretty positive attitude. I viewed it as a challenge, an opportunity to learn something new or work on projects that have been ignored due to my busy life, a chance to slow down, appreciate my own health, and connect with people around the world that are experiencing the same thing. Per Gretchen Rubin’s advice, I made a list of 19 things I wanted to accomplish during this time of Covid-19, including start a journal, learn to headstand, different ways I wanted to stay in touch with people, household projects, and random things like wash dishes every night.
Then I got sick. I was at work (I work for a family of two physicians – someone has to make sure the kids are doing their remote schoolwork and staying active!) when I really started to feel crummy. I took some ibuprofen for my headache and sore throat, but when the chills came on I started to feel pretty worried. Was I sick with coronavirus at work?
The next day (after a feverish and miserable night of restless sleep) I realized what I actually had: hand foot and mouth disease, and I thought, “Oh fuck. This is going to suck.” And it did. I was very miserable for about four days. The lesions on my hands hurt, itched, burned, and felt like tiny needles were stabbing them from the inside. My throat had sores that made it impossible for me to eat anything remotely acidic, but my appetite was pretty low, so I mostly did not bother eating. My feat also got blisters all along the perimeter and toes, so then I had to hobble around.
By about the third day I was in the depths of despair (Anne of Green Gables). I had not slept more than a few hours, I was so lonely, mopey, and just sad. When I am sick, I like people to feel sorry for me. In an ideal world there would be someone dispatched to just be with me and dote on me and tell me how much it sucks that I am sick. That was not how I was treated when I was sick as a child, so I do not know where that desire comes from, but I have always hated being alone when I am sick, and I have always wanted people to feel sorry for me.
So I was in the depths of despair, all alone, when I realized that at the end of this, I still would not get to play with my friends. The only things I had to look forward to were going for runs once my feet did not hurt, eating acidic food, and going back to work. Those are all things that I love and are totally valid to anticipate. But I realized the only thing I really wanted was to be with friends and family. And I knew that I could not do that once I was well.
I am not unique. I know that I am not alone in this experience. Almost everyone in the world has been affected in some way by coronavirus. Yet I feel very alone. The virtual hangouts do very little for the part of my brain that needs quality time. It is not the same. In a lot of ways it is more overwhelming and tiring.
This all reminds me of Wall-E, a movie I do not think I have actually seen, but I think it is about trash and everything being automated and no one acting very human. That is how I feel right now. Every time I see someone when I am out running (yes, I am staying 6 feet away), we duck heads or pretend not to see each other, as if saying hello will spread a virus. At the grocery store there are dots on the floor to stand on to keep a safe distance and the check-out clerks have shields in front of their faces. I am glad they are protecting themselves, but I also fear that this will be our new normal and there will always be distance and barriers between people. It does not feel human.
At first I thought I could handle it all, but I switched from having a game plan and a commitment to stay positive to crying every day. I am just so sad and I miss my people. A lot of people are anxious, stressed, worried, many have lost their jobs, are concerned about their health or the health of loved ones, but I am just sad about putting life on hold.
I am sad that:
- My friends have returned from Australia and I cannot go see them, even though we all have the time right now.
- I have to temporarily say goodbye to one of the families that I work for and will miss getting to welcome the new baby into the world.
- I cannot go skiing, climbing, write at my favorite bakery, or sit in the same room as my friends.
- The grocery store feels hostile.
It is overwhelming being sad.
A couple months ago I got some pretty hard news that I thought might derail me, but I used the tools I had to cope and manage my emotions. I suppose I should not be too hard on myself. This is a global pandemic after all; I am probably afforded a bit of grief.
How I will manage to get through this? I do not know the answer. Here is what I have to be grateful for: I keep plucking away at my to-do list, I can still exercise every day, I have work, I have books. And I have to get a tele-therapy appointment scheduled ASAP!
I found some comfort in this article: https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief
And I have recently become obsessed with the Bon Appetit Test Kitchen team and their YouTube videos. I am happy to see that they will keep the content coming! I enjoyed this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BmgHZAuNR4