Reflecting on the Last Ten Years
- I can run. Ten years ago I couldn’t run even one mile. I also couldn’t run 5 years ago. I started running in the fall of 2015 with a gradual program, and in the years since have run 4 half-marathons. If 16 year-old Amalia could have known that I would choose running as a hobby, she would have been shocked. And impressed. I also choose to exercise on a regular basis, am willing to push myself, and feel the benefits, especially for my mood.
- I am so gay. This may be the only thing more surprising than my love of running. In the summer of 2013, one of the few things that kept me afloat in the midst of an all-consuming depression was laying on my make-shift bed on the deck, staring at the stars, and wondering how I’d made it so far in my life without realizing I was gay. I often tell people that coming out to myself was the most hilarious, uncomfortable, exciting, and surprising time of my life, and I would love to experience it again. That overwhelming mix of emotions seems like it was probably a once-in-a-lifetime experience. If you had asked me 10 years ago how I’d feel if I was gay, I’m not sure what I would say. I would probably say that it wasn’t possible. But I would also probably say that I would be very upset. Never for a moment did I feel upset about realizing I was gay. It immediately felt right.
- I have more queer friends! In 2010 I only had one queer friend, but I’ve been acquiring them and now have a broader group for support and camaraderie. I am always looking for more people to share this unique part of life with. It’s easy to forget (both for myself and for others) that I am part of a minority, and it’s important to find others that can understand my experience.
- My friend group has evolved. I used to want to be part of a big group of friends, but now I have a few close friends in mini curated groups. It feels much more intimate, safe, and fitting for me and my life.
- I love yoga and often embrace the spiritual and less concrete aspects of the practice.
- I am okay being naked around myself and strangers. I am no longer horrified by the idea of public baths, hot springs, changing rooms, and skinny dipping; in fact I love those environments. I would not consider myself a never-nude by any stretch of the definition.
- I have short hair.
- I’ve learned how to boulder, kiteboard, and skate-ski.
- I started taking tap dance classes!
- I make my own sourdough bread, kombucha, other fermented fruits and veggies and yogurt.
- I started drinking coffee. Then quit caffeine when I realized it made me crash, feel more easily agitated, and gave me a headache when I missed a day.
- I am less judgmental and more willing to challenge my own values.
- I’m not a Christian and probably don’t believe in God. I don’t see any benefit in claiming to know what happens after we die and what happened before we were born. I want everyone to believe what they need to believe to be happy in life, as long as that doesn’t harm other people. I am more comfortable with unknowns.
- I’m not in school anymore. I have now been out of college longer than I was in college.
- I live on my own in Portland. I don’t remember where I thought I would be at this age. I guess I wouldn’t have been surprised to learn it was Portland, but I didn’t have the same appreciation for the city that I do now.
- I’m not a teacher. But I am much happier as a nanny than I would be as a teacher. My job is the least stressful thing in my otherwise fairly stress-less life.
- I have still never dated anyone, had sex, or kissed anyone that I was attracted to. It still feels like something that makes me less of a woman than others who have had those experiences.
- I am no longer waiting for marriage to have sex.
- I still know that I am going to be a mother, but I’ve decided that I don’t need to have a partner for that to happen.
- In the last 10 years I have been to 16 new countries and 5 new states.
- I have purchased 2 cars.
- I have loved and lost one very precocious Zoe Cat.
- I have experienced and survived depression and learned to pay attention to how I am doing and implemented strategies for staying happier. I am overall so much happier than I was 10 years ago.
- I am more willing to admit that I might be wrong.
- I drink wine sometimes.
- Although this is the first time I am saying it, I know it is true: I’m a feminist.
- Almost 8 years ago I changed how I eat meat.
- I have worked with four different therapists and realized I should have been going my entire life.
- I have taken dozens of classes, learned so much, forgotten almost as much, but landed somewhere that I’m very proud of. I read a lot more, watch less TV, and pay attention to politics; I am confident, more self-aware, and much less anxious.
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